My husband, the First Oh, he was the worst Dashing, dapper, a real dandy To all the girls, he was eye candy I didn’t worry. Everything was fine ‘Cause Mr. Handsome—he was all mine Started to stray, started to roam That’s when he lost his happy home Told that Rover “So long—it’s over!”
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Husband Number Two Oh, Boo Hoo! Boo Hoo! You’d think I would have learned But, no—again, I got burned Fell for the sexy smile, the bedroom eyes Oh, how they could hypnotize! Yes, I came under his Magic Spell As did many other girls as well So, Mr. Romeo—farewell, farewell!
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For choice of Husband Number Three You’d be so very proud of me No longer would I emphasize looks I’d choose a man who was into—books! Quiet evenings sharing a novel or two You read to me, I’ll read to you Discussions of authors and poets—Oh, boy! I’d know them all—Shakespeare, Tolstoy . . . Books large and books small Together, we’d devour them all But I tired of Book Guy and sent him out the door So I could start searching for . . . Husband Number Four
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Because Mr. Bookworm became such a bore I had a new plan for Husband Number Four I’d find an athlete, an outdoors man Yes, he would be a #1 Sports Fan The problem that I didn’t see Was that he liked his sports, but—on TV! It felt like I wasn’t even there As buddies filled every couch and chair Wait it out, be patient, I tried to think As I brought them all more beer to drink Surely this would have to end TV Remote was now his best friend But, no, there are sports in every season So that, my friends, became the reason I said, “Bye, Bye, Mr. Sports Guy!”
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Land Sakes, Alive! I couldn’t believe it—Husband Number Five! This new husband, a true athlete, hiker, runner After TV Sports Guy, I knew he’d be much funner Together we’d hike and trek over trail, valley, and hill Of good ol’ outdoor exercise, we would have our fill Oh, I had my fill—of blisters, pains, and aches “Stop, please stop. Stop for goodness sakes!” He couldn’t stop. He was a hiking fanatic So now I knew that I would have to pick My mind said, “Yes,” but my body said, “No!” So, sadly, Mr. Athlete would have to go
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I really hoped that Number Six Would be my husband-problem fix Of course, he should He was just plain—good So nice, polite, attentive, just swell And made my life a living hell Why? Too agreeable, too pampering—Boring! He was vanilla, milquetoast, a big Nothing! Like one of those Bobble Heads—up, down, up, down Always a painted-on smile—never, ever a frown I grew tired, couldn’t take it anymore So, I shoved Sweet Guy out the door
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With Husband Number Seven I envisioned Culinary Heaven Could it possibly be? He wants to cook for me! He was not exactly fit as a fiddle Sporting extra inches around the middle But, hey, that was okay He’d be making gourmet meals all day Turns out he didn’t like to cook—just bake Every sort of cookie, pie, and cake Problem was he spent all day Worrying about his dumb souffle! Told him, “One more petit four And I am out the door” My cute little Dough Boy in his white baker’s hat Can you believe it? He did just that Baked more biscuits, fritters, and muffins So I left him in the kitchen lovin’ his oven
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Swept off my feet by Husband Number Eight I knew he would be absolutely great Plus, he’d help rid me of what I’d found Courtesy of Baker Man—extra pounds! Yes, I’d shed those extra pounds and more As Dance Instructor twirled me round the floor It’d be Cha, Cha, Cha and Two to Tango Do a little tap dance and on to the Fandango Ballroom floor, what a place to exercise Then cool down with a waltz and gaze into his eyes Head on his shoulder, sweet nothings in my ear But this can’t last forever, I started to fear I was right Because one night After private lessons, when he’d glide, swirl, and twirl His prize pupil, beautiful ballerina (former can-can girl!) He didn’t return to me So, our dance is over, as you can see
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Husband Number Nine Another Einstein So full of wisdom and knowledge Esteemed professor at the college His specialty—physics, of the quantum kind The smartest brainiac one could find Certificates and PhDs filled every wall and shelf I hoped I’d gain a little of that smartness for myself My professor’s intellect was really quite superb I was so impressed, hung on his every word A walking encyclopedia was what he seemed to me So, what I learned next, I just couldn’t believe Shocking—a man with so much knowledge to impart Would be educating some college co-ed (the little tart!) Well, I sent that Professor out the door Arms stacked full of books, degrees, and more
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Oh, no! Husband Number Ten! What a tangled web I’m in! This scary trend Must surely end Here and now Just tell me how Should I quit cold turkey, as they say Just give up and move away? Away? Away to where? I find guys everywhere Soon people will say, “Look, look” She’s in that Guinness Records book I’ll find a way—can’t take this anymore Goodbye, farewell. I’m heading out the door The door! Oh, look who just walked in That’s him! That’s him! The Perfect 10!!